Why did we do it? It was all for charity, I don't like to talk about all the charity work I do, but did I tell you it was for charity. I say it was for charity, the six months of planning right down to the last spoke had nothing to do with the fact I couldn't back out! Turned up in my LDV Pilot van a real passion wagon to collect Simon from Sittingbourne. Then headed west to Bath and the posse grew with Neil and Dan on board. West and further west to St. Just at Lands End where we were greeted by the friendly locals "Your late!" and the door slammed in our face. Little did we know that this greeting was to be only a taste of the colourful people who run Youth Hostels.

DAY 1 - Lands End to Golant. Sunday, 4th of July. Distance - 80 miles Terrain - Hilly to very hilly. Weather - Over cast, sunny with a tail wind. Stopped off in a place called Demelza (long story) where we met the original village idiots. Two old guys wearing wellies and rubber gloves who I can still smell. Legs - Felt OK Youth Hostel - Very nice, proprietors normal.

DAY 2 - Golant to Steps Bridge. Distance - 80 miles Terrain - Hilly, very hilly to F-*!ing hilly. Weather - Sunny, wet and very sunny. Today I realised a 39/21 gear was not what I needed. What I actually required for a very hilly Dartmoor was a 50cc Honda. Legs - Ouch, arse - ooooaaah! Youth Hostel - Quaint, proprietors lonely.

DAY 3 - Steps Bridge to Bath. Distance - 90 miles Terrain - Hilly and hilly. Weather - Fantastic. Cycled through the Cheddar Gorge makes you realise what an easy life those Pro's have. A great climb and run into Bath. Youth Hostel - Stayed at Neil and Dans flat. Proprietors - not quite with it. Legs - Warming to the task.

DAY 4 - Bath to Ludlow. Distance - 80 miles Terrain - Very hilly with nice bits. Weather - Can't remember!. The hill out of Bath is an absolute killer especially after a big breakfast and an even bigger vomit. Apart from this the run to Bath was good. On the way we met two guys from Peterborough Doing Lands End to John o' Groats too. You the kind been there, seen it cycled it but they were great company. Youth Hostel - Stayed with Dan's mum and dad. Proprietors - very generous especially with the wine and beer. Legs - Still there. Arse - Oh my God it's not normally that colour!

DAY 5 - Ludlow to Leigh. Distance - 90 miles Terrain - It's grim up north. Weather - Still there. Left Ludlow which is a green and pleasant land and ended up in Leigh near Manchester. It's rough!. Went out for a pint, the place was grim, all the blokes had skin heads and were walking about with shaved bears on leashes. The girls were all big chested with hairy legs, it was great for a night out I don't think. B/B - Felt reasonably safe. Proprietors - Bet Lynch and Wynetta Legs - Felt grim too.

DAY 6 - Wigan to Penrith. Distance - 130 miles Terrain - Hilly and NO!, No!, no!. Weather - Good. Started of a good day, went to Kendal and had some mint cake, and Windermere was beautiful. Then over Kirkstone Pass at 1500 feet it's some climb only the thought of the pub at the top kept me going. The Bastards wouldn't stop so it was straight down a long, twisting and very scary descent. It was a long day in the saddle which meant any description of my arse would contravene all censorship laws! Suffice to say it was moist, pungent and pimply. B/B - Luxury. Proprietors - Single, white and loud.

DAY 7 - Penrith to Wanlockhead. Distance - 100 miles Terrain - 94 miles were good with six miles up hill to Wanlockhead which is Scotland's highest village. Who planned this route anyway? The down hill next day was great though. Weather - Good old Scottish weather!. Today was a good day arrived in Scotland as we all sang "Donald where's your trousers" or in my case "Robert where's your Arse!". Ended up in the local Social Club and looking round the locals of Wanlockhead there was not one good local between them. Drink! ha, ha, ha, Arse! Mummy can I go to bed now. Youth Hostel - Good views. Proprietors - Scary single mum with pretty daughter. Although she did not wash our cycling shorts I bet she wore them on her head. Legs - Scary!

DAY 8 - New Cumnock to Inverary. Distance - 110 miles Terrain - Spectacular Weather - Good. The terrain we covered today was spectacular (biased Scot naturally). A great days cycling up the west coast of Scotland and a wee trip on a ferry. Youth Hostel - very basic with small rooms. Proprietors - Absolutely mad. We were late home from the pub. The woman had waited inside with the light out and when we approached it was light on and the full interrogation. The couple who ran this hostel hated everyone, French, German, English (That's OK), Spanish, us basically they didn't want anyone in their Youth Hostel! Legs - Grey, week and limp. Arse - so vaselined up I couldn't sit on the saddle.

DAY 9 - Inverary to Fort William. Distance - 90 miles Terrain - Even more beautiful than Yesterday Weather - Glowing. Today I saved the life of a damsel in distress. I came across her and her bike at the side of the road not going anywhere. But I was there, to put the chain back on her bike, and wave her off into the sunset. To preserve her dignity and save my blushes I won't tell you how she thanked me. According to eye witnesses she said "Thanks Ginger specky not fallen off your bike yet!" Youth Hostel - Large and smelly. Proprietors - Recovering from alcoholic and drug abuse, need I say more. Weather - Never looked up from the road! Legs - What legs.

DAY 10 - Fort William to Strathpeffer. Distance - 70 miles Terrain - Ugly hills and hilly Weather - Wet My very hardest day started of wet, developing a sore knee, unable to push the big gears and it was very cold. Are you crying because I am! It had to happen. Cycling up a 1 in 7 I turned a corner to find it was a 1 in 6, I was tired, I was cold, I had to stop before I fell off. (For the record I only fell off once, right!) A short break then feeling recovered it was on to Strathpeffer. Youth Hostel - Exclusive. Proprietors - Strange man who smelt of drink and could not look you in the eye. Legs - empty. Arse - Who's bothered my legs were knackered.

DAY 11 - Alness to Tongue. Distance - 90 miles Terrain - A very bleak run with spectacular scenery at the end Weather - Yes there was some. Involved with a lorry in a crash, second one of the trip. No I never pulled my brakes on to hard to avoid a dog. Apart from this it was the most tranquil day through some very quite and beautiful scenery. We were all very quite and contemplative on our last day, so we got drunk that night. Youth Hostel - The most fantastic setting ever. Proprietors - A young beautiful blond girl who on the surface was a welcome sight but she was barking mad! Legs - Feeling great. Arse - looking good.

DAY 12 - Tongue to John o' Groats. Distance - 50 miles Terrain - Hilly at times Weather - Rain A jaunt to the finish line up Betty Hill that was not to bad. Going to the finish line we got caught in a deluge of rain but we all crossed the line together and felt great. Legs - Don't feel a thing! At no time during recording of these events was the truth put in the way of a good story. The amount of alcohol consumed, miles travelled and attractions of all has been totally exaggerated for the benefit of my ego. Public warning. If at any time you see the writer of this article with an alcoholic drink in his hand do not approach unless you are willing to hear his constant recital of Land End to John O' Groats stories until you feel suicidal.